Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Mourning of a moronically melancholic man

There is this itch that is eating me up for the last few days. Something is not right, something is just waiting to gobble me up, creeping towards me through that dark door I avoid looking at. That is the door that has been bolted for years for fear of opening up a new dimension of bright light and rainbow colors. The dark door is a strange sight, with the light shining through its sides, corners, tiny holes. Nature has its own way of infiltrating, the solid door I had created with so much of obsession over the years, is now being breached. With her immense force and persistence, nature has been able to even reach places that I had always perceived as permanently impenetrable.

I often wonder, am I becoming soft? Where is that stoic stance I was once known for? Am I losing my identity, my beliefs? Has that ever been my real identity or was that something I had put up to hide myself from the world? I don’t like such questions. They make me think. Think about things that I had conveniently locked up in some parts of my brain, sealed them perpetually with indifference and enclosed them with a cover of loath and insolence.

Why can’t she leave me alone? Why does she need to do this to me? What does she think of herself? Of course, she can, she is the almighty nature and what chance a mere human like me stand in front of her?

But my obstinate streak refuses to give in. I will fight her. I will not let her win. She may be a part of me, she may be inherent in me, my second self, but she is that, second to me, and should always remain so. I refuse to let her command my dominant self, the self I have built lovingly for so many years, the self of a moronically melancholic man!

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The crying door

The ladies compartment of the Delhi Metro is a breeding ground for many stories, but this one is particularly heartfelt.

Women have a tendency to hide their feelings, their emotions, especially from their loved ones. If they are hurt by the ones they love the most, they often take the blame on their head, thinking something must be wrong with them, after all their beloved people can never go wrong. They hide their tears from their husbands, kids, families and friends.

They suffer in silence. But, sometimes the pain gets too much to endure and they let that pain flow through their tears. Many however, are not privileged enough to get a secluded place for themselves to cry, where they would not be interrupted, not judged. And for these women, the door at the beginning of the ladies compartment, that faces the track, becomes their haven.

While looking desolately at the track, the platform at the other end, the muted hustle-bustle, you may see a woman silently sobbing her heart out, occasionally wiping the tears with the corner of her handkerchief.

She would never be disturbed by others. Even among strangers, she would strangely feel free. No one judges her, no one stares at her, no one even comes to console her. That corner is sacred, no one violates that. They all know, today it is her need, tomorrow they might see themselves standing in the same corner.

Thursday, March 15, 2012


She did not know whether to cry or laugh seeing Rohit. They were meeting after so long that this itself seemed like an illusion. But then, he was there, in front of her, in flesh and blood. She shuddered to touch him.

‘What if he vanishes into thin air,’ she thought.

It all seemed ridiculous the moment Rohit gave her a warm bear hug.

He was real, he was there. She felt happy. Years of pain and hurt just melted at that moment.

She looked into his eyes, they were teary too. He has been hurting as well.

Two different people, different pasts, same story.

Why is life such a bitch? Why can’t things be given in a platter? Some people have it so easy that it is disgustingly unfair, while some keep toiling but do not even get pittance in return.

They looked at each other and all they could find was pain swarming in the eyes which used to be full of life and zest once. They were clearly broken, but they were too arrogant to show that. Their resilience to face life and take everything head-on had been costing them too much, but then they are essentially people who do not bow down to adversities. They get up every time they fall, keep analyzing themselves, figuring out what went wrong and fixing them.

This constant falling and getting up makes them so human, yet their will and determination gives them almost God-like characters! It is good to think yourself to be God or at least God-like, there is no judgement then, you are accepted as you are. No one to tell you, how wrong you have been, what a failure you have been in your life or how people just kept hurting you in spite of your seemingly good self.

Of course, they are not the best. They have their faults, they have inherent selfishness and issues too. But, they do have the courage to face them, face themselves and say, ‘This is wrong in me, and I am going to change it, no matter how much I hurt myself or anyone else in the process’.

Does that make them good?

Maybe, only for those people who understand. And for others, let us say, ‘No comments’.

Although, they did not say a word, it still seemed that they have communicated everything to each other in those few moments.

There was nothing to say, actually. They have said enough, they have heard enough.

It was time to keep quiet, to be silent.

It was time to heal finally.

The spark to live was coming back. They know they will sail through this too, maybe together or maybe as individuals.

Who knows, what tomorrow will bring...

A dialogue

She: Everyone wants to be the victim, no one has the courage to face themselves and say, ‘Hey, the problem is with me, not with you’.

I: It takes courage to analyze yourself, your actions, motivations, intentions and then accept that you can go wrong too, you can make mistakes as well. To say, ‘Yes, I am a human being and I can screw it up badly too.’

She: But how many really can do that, I mean isn’t it better to just pretend that you are the victim of circumstances and keep blaming things on others.

I: Oh! Yes that’s the easiest way out. To say, everything is wrong with someone else and not me. But, then it’s ok, people have different ways to handle situations and we should not judge them. They are the slaves of that moment.

She: You really don’t see anything wrong in it right. I feel one is prone to playing a victim especially in case of a break-up. What is your take on that?

I: There can be no valid reason for breaking someone’s heart, how reasonable or unreasonable the motive might be. Always remember, you are shattering someone’s dreams and your promises when you break a relationship. However, often in life, you cannot go about cheating yourself and therefore cheating the other person too. And in such cases, it is better to let that person go, and do it sooner, because the more you would delay the process the messier and painful it would get.

She: That’s philosophical. What do you think is the best way to break a relationship?

I: There isn’t any best way to break a relationship, because as I said before breaking someone’s heart is not right. However, if you ever have to do it, first analyze, who among you two is the strongest, the one who could take the blame, take the hit in a better manner. If you feel you are the strongest, then break the news in such a manner that you make the other person feel fine. Take all the blame on your head, keep saying the fault is at your end. At least, you can do that much, it is not out of guilt, but it is to release someone with love and compassion. Keep praying that he/she gets peace soon.

She: That is noble.

I: Hardly, it is selfishness. You are selfish for your soul, you do not want bad karma to be attached to it. Maybe you are trying to rectify your mistake and therefore consciously accepting the punishment in the ensuing.

She: But doesn’t that leave the other person grasping for breath, broken and bruised as well.

I: Yes, it does, but always remember that it would end one day. Plus, if your intentions are right, you would be surprised to find how many people would just come to you at that point of time to help you out, to protect you, to love you.

She: That’s divine.

I: Wish no one goes through such a stage, it is not divine, it is highly painful, but then without pain there is no love too. It is complicated and we need to have another dialogue on it some other day.

She: Sure. Just one thing, are you talking from experience?

I keep quiet and just smile at her.