I admit that I am an utter idiot.

Just realized something, it’s almost a quarter now that I have been single. That’s the longest I have ever been single since I was 17! And somehow, it feels awesome. Yeah, that would send mixed signals, but then it’s liberating and that’s partly because of the fact that this relationship really wasn’t something I wanted. Why the fuck I dragged it for so long I have no clue, and then was plagued with guilt at all times whenever I had thought of breaking it up or did try to do it. It was actually simple, it wasn’t something I wanted, I just should have walked out of it. Then again, it wasn’t simple, the person on the other end wasn’t easy.

Anyway, jo beet gayi woh baat gayi. And, how easily I could write that today, without a hint of guilt, except maybe just the feeling of being an utter idiot. I mean why and who does that? Hang on, I have a companion, my Man Friday, equally an idiot, we can make an idiot club and drink to our stupidity. I should propose this to him the next time we talk. Humko na museum mein rakhna chahiye, kitne bewakoof log hai hum. Aur loyalty toh kut kut ke bhari hai hum mein, people kept throwing themselves at us, but no, we were loyal to our partners, aur apna toh kya hi bole! Waise, this is me restraining myself and translating mohalla-chap Hindi into palatable language!

I blame the 90s movies for unrealistic romantic ideas. Ullu when SRK said, “Hum ek baar jite hain, ek baar marte hain, shaadi bhi ek baar hoti hai, aur pyar ek hi baar hota hai” you didn’t have to take it literally. After all, that idiot fell in love and got married again! 

Okay, so I blame SRK and all the Rajs and Rahuls that he played in every other unrealistic movie. Nah! Can't blame him, love that dude. Every time I see him in Dil Toh Pagal Hai, yes not DDLJ contrary to popular belief, I go puppy-eyed. There you go, unrealistic stupidities, and I love firni, no connection whatsoever, but then I am ranting, toh chalta hai.

So, bottom-line is, accepting it, I have been an utter idiot and mera lamba wala…

Okay so what’s the reason for this rant today? Right in the morning ex called up as there had been some issues at home and wanted my suggestion as a friend, which soon turned into a ground to dump the frustrations and raised voice. As I was not “entitled” to take that shit anymore and being aware of my position, I simply retorted, “Why are you shouting at me? I don’t need to take this shit anymore” and kept down the phone. It felt so fucking empowering. Then in the evening as I wasn’t feeling well (had low bp) so wanted to skip a client call and told ex to take the call forward. All hell broke loose as ex constantly badgered me to check my bp, have chocolates and coffee, and all I wanted was to run away from that overdose. That extra creepy concern just irks me. It is all that, showing concern, itna hai toh kabhi saath rehke take care kyu nahi kiya? And, I like a C had run every time there was a need, to the extent of sleeping on rickety benches at nights in the hospital. Wow! The more I write the more idiotic I am sounding. Anyway, after a couple of calls, I shut ex down again, who finally conceded and said, “Do whatever you want to do.” And, I did exactly that, whatever I wanted to. Took a nap and later engaged in some not-so-puritan banter with bestie.

So, yes it does feel awesome, to get your power back, to be you, unapologetically you, and just do what the fuck you want to do.

The next logical question is, “Does that make me bitter about romantic love?” And, the honest response to it – No, because that feeling is different. It is where you invest your energy and who you give your power to, that matters. You will always be exhausted if you are with the wrong person, if it doesn’t flow naturally and if you are forever wanting to make things work. Yes, relationships need constant work, but that should not be patchwork to sew the holes and make that presentable for the world or to constantly be tipped at one end by just giving and without receiving anything at least in some equal measure from the other end. The work should be to keep the spark going, to ease into each other, to the extent that it never feels like work anymore, it just becomes a part of who you are and what you do for your partner to make them feel special each day.

Wah! Jab itna pata tha, toh kya kar rahi thi idiot…

Anyway, exhausted. Bestie is still persisting. I get her concern but asked her to shut the fuck up. I know friends can be well-meaning but sometimes can be annoying too. Okay, sent her some kisses, love and hugs, which are duly responded to. I wonder if men do that as well with their male friends. My guess, they don’t and that’s sad, nahi? Arey bhai to kissi, huggy kyu nahi bhej sakte? Well, society right, men can’t show emotions, utter bullshit. That’s a topic for another day. I should end my rant here. Sayonara!