Honest heart-to-heart: A tale (Unabridged version)

Sometimes a little logic may help, but not everything can be defined in logical terms. I didn't want to post this, for the fear of being judged. But then, that's the point isn't it? To be who you are.

He: This is not normal.

She: What is not normal?

He: This, what you are doing. This, entire situation.

She: Ok. Let's discuss logically. Will that work for you?

He: Yes please.

She: Are you uncomfortable? Am I overwhelming you?

He: It's more about being curious.

She: Curious?

He: How could you be so fixated on me? You don't even know anything about my recent past. You don't know how have I changed over the last 10 years. You may as well be basing your feelings on your previous impression of me. I could have changed. In fact, I have changed. All this could soon become illusionary for you, as you come across my reality. 

She: Good point. Yes, I agree I don't know much about your recent life. To be honest, I never knew about your past before as well. All I knew was the person that you are. Sounds fanciful, but that's true. And that's not just for you. I try not to judge anyone. Everyone has some or the other circumstances that make them the person they are. There is nothing bad or good about it. And, for me, you are no different. I may not know what happened in your life. I may not know how you have changed as a person. But I do believe that the core person remains the same. I don't think you have become less compassionate or less kind, no matter how life had treated you. If someone asks you for help, no matter who that person is, I can still vouch for it that you will do whatever you could. That core is not an illusion, everything else doesn't matter.

He: So, my past doesn't matter? What if I had been the one who had done something wrong?

She: Tell me, you know pretty much everything about my past. I have been broken over and over again. Doesn't that bother you? 

He: Why should that? Instead, I am proud of you. You have been a fighter. Anyone else in your place would have given up early on. But you and I are different. What if I am not the good guy that you think I am?

She: Can I say something which cannot be defined in logical terms?

He: Yes.

She: I don't believe that you are the bad guy. And that's not because of how I feel for you, but because I know. Only a handful people have the ability to say what they really think, even if they come across to be rude or unconventional to others. You are one of them. And while that makes you "bad" in societal terms, I treasure that honesty. Plus, I know how you invariably let the other person "misunderstand" you, so that they can go on with their lives, living it happily, while blaming you for their misfortune. How do I put it, you use yourself "conveniently" to let someone else have a good life instead. You tried to hoodwink me too into believing it as well. Sorry, didn't work out. No sir, you are not the Darth Vader that people may try to make you into. 

He: Wow! That's flattering.

She: Not at all. It's the truth. Something that you hide very efficiently.

He: But you deciphered.

She: Because you let me. 

He: How?

She: Why don't you celebrate Holi?

He: It's painful.

She: I could be wrong, but I guess you lost someone that day, someone very close. You never told me that, but I noticed. You had talked about attending your ex's wedding. You tried to sound casual about it, saying it was fun. You never told me how much it pained you, but I noticed it in your eyes. You pushed away a now bestseller writer from your life by being utterly rude to her when she got attracted to you. No, you didn't tell me what you had said to her. She did. She had pinged me repeatedly to decipher your behaviour. I didn't know then. Later when you had told me what she wished to do, I knew why you did what you did. So, no, your mask doesn't work in front of me. You may ask then why is it now I have connected, why not before, if I knew it was all a ruse?

He: Yes.

She: There is no right answer to that. It had been a combination to all these. I was a total mess. I was too broken for anyone to handle. I didn't know what I wanted, leave alone to give anything to anyone. I was inside a cycle, which I had no courage to break. I offloaded a lot on to you, not understanding what your struggles had been, and when you snapped, you snapped for real. It wasn't your mask. You were done with it or so you thought. Putting a barrier between us seemed the best thing. And when you saw me returning to my daily drama again, you told yourself that you made the right decision. 

Finally, you could move on, and I was truly happy for you. If your happiness was with someone else, be it. I was happy when you got married. I knew how much marriage meant to you. I knew you would be taken care of. I also moved on, with my own cyclic life, and lived some of the worst years of my life. I thought of you almost always, but I knew I had lost you by then. At times, I blamed you too, not for anything but not being a friend that I needed at that time. I stopped keeping a tab on you. I was struggling to even live each day. I tried to break the cycle again but failed again. I was at a brink. I was too consumed with myself to find out about you. And, I am sorry for that. I wish I had been there for you.

He: That's what. No one thinks for me. Today you are showering love, what if tomorrow you are back in your cycle? Do you ever think of what it does to me?

She: I get it. I come across as flakey, commitment phobic, always running for comfort, never doing what I keep saying I would. How could you believe me?

He: Exactly.

She: I can't really make you believe me. Whatever I may say will come across as hollow words unless it is followed by action. Yes, I am broken and yes, I am healing each day, but there is one thing that I am sure of, something I have never been so sure of before. I have finally broken the cycle. And, no I am not going back into it ever again. And, this time, I did it for myself. I finally understood my value.

Something happened that snapped me, snapped me badly. This has been happening for decades. I was done with it. I wasn't running away anywhere. How much more disrespect was I going to go through. Mental abuse, physical abuse - however briefly, being cheated upon, being bullied. This was it. I had to leave. What was I doing? I am an empowered, educated and strong woman. And this was me disrespecting my own self, my value as a human being even. I knew if not now, I will never be able to do it. But I also knew it wouldn't be easy to break away. The toxicity wasn't easy to shun. So, I planned my exit. For the last two years, I painstakingly withdrew myself, slowly and steadily. And thanks to that push from Man Friday I was able to take the final step. I have emerged from hell and there is no way I am going back.

He: Don't you think you should give yourself some more time before falling for someone else?

She: You think this is a rebound for me? 

He: Yes, could be. I could be that comfort zone you could run to. 

She: Do you really think I am someone like that? I have been in a shitty relationship for a quarter of my life and the next thing I will do is to go for a rebound or another unsure one just after getting out of it?

He: Then what is it? Why me?

She: Don’t get ahead of yourself. You are not the only one in the fray. There is actually a long queue. But the truth is, I have never been so sure of anyone like I am sure of you. I have always been. Remember the time you had asked me point blank if I loved you? I wasn’t expecting it and gave the most convoluted response to a simple question one could ever give. I didn’t know how to lie to you. The only time I had lied to you, that too looking into your eyes, it was the toughest moment for me.

Problem was, I wasn’t sure if I was the right one for you or not. I had too many of my own programs running and unless I resolved them, there was no way I wanted to entangle you into it. I had to clear my mess, it took me time, but I finally did it.

And no, I am not sure that you would still want me. If I can speak my mind clearly, I do fear that maybe you are not interested in me at all. Maybe, you are seeing someone else. Maybe, you are keeping me as an option.

He: You think I am like that?

She: That’s the problem. You are not like normal men. You are not a player. If you are with someone, leave alone me, you will declare it to the entire world. You wear your heart on your sleeve. As for an option, you will never do that to me or to anyone, for that matter. Why are you so good, God dammit?

I have wasted years to break my cycle, living in regret. I don’t want to do it anymore. Life is short and I don’t want to waste another moment of it. So, if it means to woo you, I will. Let me also see how it feels to wear my heart on my sleeve.

He: You are crazy, have always been. It doesn’t work like this. There would be too many unmet expectations.

She: Honestly, I have zero expectation out of all this. And, I guess that’s a good start point. Maybe, we can keep it casual?

He: Really? You and I can keep anything casual?

She: We may try. We will fail miserably, but what’s the harm in trying? How long are we going to sit on the fence?

He: I don’t know. I am not ready. Maybe you won't break me, but I am scared of breaking you.

She: Why do you say so?

He: Because I have broken others before.

She: Did they love the way I love you?

He: No.

She: Did you love them way you love me?

He: No.

She: If I explain this in non-logical terms, will you keep an open mind?

He: Sure.

She: Then why should what happened to them matter to us?

Their fragile hearts could never contain our wild spirits. They were too scared to let us go. They were too scared to lose us. They were attracted to our outer shells, but couldn’t handle our fiery cores. Their glass houses had to shatter. They never had the capability to love us so fiercely that they could have let us be who we are.

He: Won’t we burn each other too?

She: Yes, we would. But we are not fragile, nor do we have any limits. If we burn, we will burn brighter, giving warmth to everyone around us, and light to those who are away from us. And, just like any energy source, we will die one day, not because one of us shed tears to douse the other, but because there would be nothing left to burn inside of us.

He: As I said, this doesn’t happen. It isn’t normal?

She: What defines normal? And yes, it can happen to anyone, if they remain open to possibilities and abilities of love. Problem is, they don’t have the courage to delve inside of themselves to find what they truly seek.

He: Even I don’t have the courage.

She: You are the most courageous man I have ever met. You had the ability to break free from things that bound you, no matter the price you had to pay for it. If something wasn’t right, it wasn’t right. They tried to make you compromise, but you had always lived your life king size. They wanted to box you, limit you. And, you rebelled. Yes, you lost your energy in fighting them, but that doesn’t make you a less warrior.

So, have faith in yourself. You will get what you truly want one day.

Let me tell you a secret today. I found out what I had been seeking so far, the identity that I craved for. The answer to the question – Who am I? The answer is simple – Love. That is the one thing we are all seeking, that is the one thing we all want in our lives. Sadly, we mistake love in various forms. But the beauty of it all, it is simple. Love is simple. Loving someone is simple too. It is so simple that I can’t explain it. All I can say is, it fills my heart with happiness and gives me strength to go on whenever I am sad. It is the fuel that drives me and I am grateful for it.

Another secret. My search led me to you. You are my home. And, I will wait for you till you find what you are seeking inside, till you get answers to your questions. Go, find yourself. You have a home in me. Come back whenever you want to. I will love you, always.

He: Are you not scared? What if I don’t come back? What if I don’t find what I am seeking?

She: Will you love me less?

He: No. That is not possible.

She: Then don’t worry about me.

And, let me tell you another secret. You are very close to finding yourself. Just be honest to yourself. Ask yourself, what you truly want, who you truly are. You have all the answers within you, you are just afraid to find out. Let go of that fear and you will get your answers. And when you get them, embrace them, accept them, without running your logical simulations. Because at times, reality defy logic. And the day you accept who you are, you will be home.

And yes, I will wait for you.

He: So, what’s next?

She: You do what you have to. Find out what you want to do. I will wait, and of course, keep wearing my heart on my sleeve.