Complications and solutions

Working with your ex can be stressful. I was getting overwhelmed since yesterday. I now realize how stupidly fragile I used to be. How did I reach here? Giving so much of control over myself to a single person, why and how? It’s scary and I did this for decades. Giving away so much of my power to another person that I behaved as per their terms, being helpless and consistently being told that I am confused, and that I don’t know what I want to do.

I wrecked my own life.

And as the drama isn’t working, the tactics have changed. Now, it is consistent questioning about my stability and balance, trying to find errors in my work, creating confusion, sending half-baked work, trying for empathy from others.

So, what did I do? I took a step back. Calmed and re-oriented myself, reminded myself that I am not answerable anymore. There is no pleasing another person.

I will face more such things in the coming days, and yes, it won’t be easy. And, that’s my choice too. I could always quit, right. But, I am not going to. I have slogged for more than a decade to be where I am today. I am not running away. I am done with not facing my issues. I am done with quitting. I will do this.

Looking back, these aren’t something that I can’t handle. Aren’t these normal professional issues as well. So, why should it be dealt in any different way?

Plus, there is something else I realized a few days ago, which got me completely pissed.

In all that drama last week, one thing came out prominently, the repeated question, “Who is guiding you?” Because, evidently, I can’t do this alone. There has to be someone showing me the path.

Fucking hell, I did this for myself. And this was not overnight, I have been building myself inch-by-inch for so long. Yes, there had been a support system that did help me, but they have always been in the shadows. Though I can't deny the catalyst, but that explanation is not for everyone to understand.

And, that’s when I realized what is meant by the guide, when the question "Is he back?" sprouted.

Why the hell would that question come again, not that it ever left, but why now, why always when I tried to leave, it is always about another person? A person who was only there in my life for a mere few months physically and with whom I haven’t spoken in more than a decade. Why? And why particularly him? Evidently, I have a long queue of men waiting in the wings! Then why not others, why him? A question that I should have asked a long time ago. But, no, I am an emotional fool who always looked at good in a person.

Now I know why, because ex had realised long ago that the impact he made in that brief period, wasn't something that ex had been able to match even in decades! And the fact that no one else ever came anywhere close to such an impact ever. That's why it was always that person.

Years ago, when I had asked to be let go off, because I stupidly confessed that I wanted someone else, it was used against me. I had literally begged and pleaded to be left alone, and I got physically hurt, emotionally exhausted and mentally drained instead. And I offloaded everything on to the other person. Why did he bear that brunt? What did he do to deserve that?

Bottomline is, I lost what I had to. No, actually, I served my loss onto a platter. And, it is only now that I realized that this is exactly what my ex wanted. And that realization made me so angry at myself that I wanted to smash the entire house down.

It was only when I calmed down, I knew that this anger will burn me to cinders and I will be back in circles again. I have worked really hard on myself and had gone through literal hell to be where I am today and no amount of drama or stupidity on my part is going to take that away from me, ever.

I knew I had to harvest this anger within myself to move forward. I promised that I won’t let it burn down myself or anything on my way.

I was hurt, angry and very sorry, but I knew I had to use this energy to drive myself, without the shit about the emotional turmoil.

So, today as I was getting overwhelmed, my core told me, “Forgiving is good, but never forget what it costed you to be where you are today. You paid some heavy prices, not something which you needed to do, if only you had the courage to take your power back, and had thought for yourself.”

And, that was it.

Everything just fell into its natural place.

Now, this won’t be tough anymore. 

As for my loss, let me ask a question, "Can that is lost not be found again?"

PS (a few hours later): As an afterthought, asked myself, is regret the reason that drove me to I ask the above question? Answer to that - Regret has never been the reason, ever. It has always been something else, and will always remain that. 🙂

Should get back to work now, the city is freezing.

My dear book, I should get back to you soon!