We failed you. Are we too late for the apologies?

I know that was not a rant when you had said, "I don't like people to say 'Thank You' and move on, as their problem is resolved. Have you ever thought, what about me?" That was you being vulnerable, and my silence was me being extremely selfish. And, for all I can guess, it was not just me who failed you, but everyone else whom you thought were your near and dear ones, the ones you loved with so much fierce energy, thinking that they will be there to hold you, to tell you that they have your back, whenever the time arises. Sadly, all of us failed you. 

It has always been what we want from you, what we desired, what we could ask you and what you could do for us. It might have never occurred to most of us about what you wanted, what you desired, what were some of the deepest thoughts and emotions that you were hiding from everyone. You didn't know what to tell them, you didn't know how to open up. You were different, you were scared. You didn't want to walk on the same road as others did, yet, you feared to tell them that you want to take a diversion, because you were afraid of being misunderstood. Someone with such a beautiful soul was so grossly misunderstood because no one really saw the person you were beneath all those layers of friendly banters, camaraderie, wisdom and an easy-go-lucky wearing-your-heart-onto-your-sleeve kind of personality. 

For us, you were the gyaani, the baap, who had figured it all out. How could you have any underlying issue? Even the ones who were the closest to you, known you for years, didn't know what you were going through, how you were hurting, and how vulnerable you were and how much you wanted to tell someone what it truly meant to be who you were.

I have seen a few glimpses of that person within. I have known some part of you and figured a few more on my own, and yet, I didn't do anything about it. And, you knew it that I knew a part of you, and you knew it that there were things you could say or not even say to me, and I will still get it. And, it hurt you immensely knowing that I didn't do anything about it. Even now, things have always been about me, and never about what is it that you want. 

How am I figuring this out now? Because, when the noise inside you stops, when you calm down, that's when you realize about things bigger than yourself. And, it has nothing to do with sacrifices or charity or any other such self-serving concepts. When all you can feel is love and compassion for another person, without a question asked, you get to understand not just yourself, but also the person at the other end. It is that simple, yet, it is that difficult. 

Question is, now what? What next?

I can give you the answer, something that is definitely the end goal, something you wished someone would have told you long ago, these simple three words - Come Back Home!

Yet I know that's not what will happen, at least not soon enough. Because you are not someone who is impulsive. In fact, you think too much. So, let's take baby steps, shall we?

How about starting to write again - not publicly but privately. Just write, no thoughts, no process, no theme, nothing, just write whatever comes in your mind. Start there, that's my task for you. 

I am finding no reason to write anything about myself here. The journey I am on is becoming difficult to articulate. Yet, I will try to do that in the blogs that I will keep writing at times. But, I do promise to keep doing this - asking you, if you are fine. Remain blessed, always. 💓