Blessed Be

I know it is tough for your rational mind to believe. The super-analytical and intellectual conditioning seem barriers. However, you can turn that into your greatest ally too. There isn't a need to shut down your essential characteristics, what you need is to channel it to help you process what you feel, the metaphysical that is not making any sense. 

While meditating this morning, I found a solution to your dilemma.

Sri Aurobindo.

A man who did not abandon reason but transcended it. His journey from an intellectual, rational mind to a deep spiritual realization is inspiring. And maybe, it will help you too. Sri Aurobindo's writings are not easy to follow, many start but abandon them in frustration. They are abstract, metaphysical and too intellectual, but I feel that is exactly what you need. You need something to challenge you intellectually, to satiate your rational mindset, to answer all your analytical questions in a way that makes sense to you. 

So, why not give it a go. Start with some essential Aurobindo - The Life Divine and Synthesis of Yoga, though I believe you will finally find your answers in Savitri - the toughest of Aurobindo's writings. 

Here's a link from where you can download his writings - https://www.sriaurobindoashram.org/sriaurobindo/writings.php.

All the best! Love, always! 💗