I acknowledge

I am emotional today and I want to share a few things.

I always thought that I was the one feeling this excruciating pain, and never really tried to fully understand what you have been feeling for all these years. What about your pain? Not that I didn’t acknowledge that you are in pain too, but I never really understood the depth of it. Somehow, today I do. I now know how excruciatingly difficult it was for you to bury me deep within you, not to let me resurface, to try to deal with it just as a normal feeling, and how you struggled with it each day. You knew acknowledging that bond meant acknowledging the loss too, and you just didn’t want to let that go, let me go. In your pain, you felt me, kept me alive somewhere inside of you. How could you possibly endure that? But then again, I know, what it means to feel such pain.

So, the thing is, it is not about who felt what or how much, it is the realization that we equally felt it – both unfathomable love and the resulting excruciating pain from it. And the measure for both of us was equal too – none of us felt less pain or less love – it was just the same. How crazy is that?

Today, as I stand, there is no regret or question of “what if”, I understand that was what had to happen and with it the realization – that what is yet to come will also happen.

I have stopped questioning "what it is" and have stepped into "what it has become."

Now, I need to surrender to that energy. It’s a process and I am walking towards it.