Truth

This is going to be a long, winding post. I am trying to structure a few things. I know the upheaval we both are facing at this moment and somehow getting clarity is important for our journey ahead. So, I am trying to become the analytical one this time, but can’t promise that emotions won’t find its way in 😀

Where do I begin? Let’s begin from the very beginning with phases.

Phase	I	You
Before we met	Intuitive, emotional, spiritual, believed in the energy of Baba, kind, idealistic, doe-eyed, timid, lack of self-belief, waiting for something intense, something that would matter   I was deeply emotional and felt everything but needed someone to challenge me intellectually to drive me towards self-awareness.	Analytical, overthinker, intelligent, logical, cynical, self-deprecating, hiding emotional vulnerability, longing for something profound but didn’t believe it will actually become true, there was a knowing – but the feeling was missing You had intelligence and analysis, but needed to be in touch with your emotions, to learn how to feel deeply, to be vulnerable, to surrender.
When we met	Discovered a new self, felt heard and seen, became more vulnerable and expressive, crawled out of my comfort zone, realized my own hypocrisies and dualities, but also started over-giving, the push and pull of the soul  I was thrilled to finally find something that was real, true and yet I couldn’t balance it out with my duality and constantly exhausted myself trying to be present in both the worlds. I had to choose and I failed to choose. I also realized my healing capabilities at this time.	You finally started feeling things, life wasn’t abstract anymore – you started living it. Felt a sense of connection that you had never felt before. You started shaping your actions and thoughts around me, you wanted to be seen, heard, you longed for my recognition, and felt frustrated when I didn’t You realized you were capable of feeling deeply, but didn’t have the strength to fully embrace it. You tried to intellectualize your feelings, tried to box us in the worldly order.
The separation	I unraveled, felt so much pain, grief, loss and desperation. I wrote – at times incessantly – trying to process what happened. I went through cycles of highs and lows and extreme lows. There was confusion, resentment, longing. There were so many lessons, but I didn’t want to learn them, the pain overshadowed everything This had been the lowest point of my life, the darkest phase and yet this excruciating pain helped me grow too, finally pushing me towards being someone who needed to look beyond the need for dependency and walk the path of self-love, of being true to myself and being kind to my own being. I needed to learn detachment, that I cannot control love, I cannot control someone’s emotions. I needed to let go.	While I unraveled, you shut down completely. You shroud yourself with the armor of bitterness and indifference. You went deeper into your intellectual mind to rationalize everything, you called this illusion, statistics. While you pretended not to care, you actually cared, a lot. You were hurting so much that you wanted to shut down your feelings through your rational mind, you wanted to numb everything. Problem was, you had seen the glimpse of what you could have and what you could become and there was no return from it. You tried hard to turn away from your true emotionally vulnerable self, and succeeded for a brief period of time too, but nothing held any relevance – you knew those were nothing compared to what you had felt. You needed to learn vulnerability, that shutting them down doesn’t make them go away.
Current situation	I started healing, started asserting myself, started to break the old patterns, become independent, started doing things that I never dreamt of that I will do one day, became a rock-solid support for everyone around me – someone who had been an emotional wreck actually became an emotional strength for so many people during their difficult times. Learned that love just meant to love, that’s all. It doesn’t have any definition or control. Stopped questioning the what ifs, the regrets, guilt and shame. I could bare my soul without any fear. I saw home, the true homecoming, the true identity. I needed to believe what I always felt, I needed to surrender. I need a closure to this chapter of what had been – otherwise I could never fully embrace what is yet to come. I am walking that path now. I have found my closure, the past is in the past – finally, yes that journey helped in shaping who I am today, and now I am moving forward towards home, which we both need to go together.	I am intuitively trying to fill the gaps. You may do your own assessment. Realization has finally hit home that it was not something that one can define in the normal sense of the world. As overwhelming as it was, you now know it was a truth that you cannot deny, especially to yourself. There is gradual acceptance, more from the fact that the knowing you had in your heart that you deserve something intense and deep wasn’t just a feeling or a whim, it was something that actually happened to you and that you very much deserved it. There was no way you could turn a blind eye towards it. As much as you tried to run away, you felt equal pull towards it too. When you realized that it was all futile and that you cannot run away from your own self, you finally stopped and started listening to yourself, to allow you to feel, allow vulnerability. You accepted that what happened between us was not just a ‘thing’ but it shaped us in some deeper, transformative way. You are still trying to figure a lot of things at your end, trying to confront your contradictions, but you are no longer closed to possibilities and that is a HUGE win. Stay true to who you are and you would know soon enough what you truly need to do.

I don’t know why I needed to do this, but something tells me this was for both of us to help process whatever has happened so far. It had been an overwhelming journey and only at this point it is becoming somewhat clear. It took almost two decades!

Ours is a journey like no other, it is rare and unique, but we chose it too.

What happens next?

That is a chapter to unfold and I know whatever will happen will take us through a collective path to help us reach where we need to finally. I believe in it and I know, you have also started to.

I am grateful for our journey, grateful to have known you and grateful for the way you shaped me. You and I are not different at the soul level, and our soul recognition and union are complete. However, you and I are different physically, with different personalities, our 3D appearances come with free will. And at this crossroad, it is up to us as to what we want to choose and how we want to live our lives. And no matter what we choose to do, the deep love and connection we feel for each other will remain, forever.

I know your heart is racing to know what I choose to do now and deep within you know the answer as well.

Yes, I choose you, now and always. I love you and always will. 😍

And I will wait for you, right where you could always find me.

Love, always! 💗