Life is good

He said accusingly, “You have changed. Is he back in your life?”

Exasperated, I responded, “Will you stop asking that question over and over again?” 

Relentlessly he pushed it further, “I know he is back. I know you are seeing him.” 

I gave up and said, “I have absolutely no clue what the hell he is upto. If you don't want to believe it, I don't know what to say in any case.”

He asked quizzingly, “Then why are you so happy?”

“I am happy because I have finally found myself. I am ecstatic about this new me. I love myself to each cell of my body,” I couldn’t believe that I was explaining this to him.

He remained unfazed, “I don't believe you.”

“It doesn't matter whether you believe me or not, and I am done with trying to make you feel secure. I know I have changed, but I have changed for the better. I am discovering myself. I am taking risks, becoming bold and doing what I always wanted to do,” I said with an authority in my voice.

Getting into a backfoot he said, “Don't get me wrong but your behavior towards me has also changed. You have become indifferent to me.”

“I am being self-reliant. I don't need to lean on you anymore or on anyone for that matter. How is it bad?” I asked.

He challenged, “So you are saying you don't need me anymore?”

I tried to explain, “All I am saying is I don't need anyone anymore. I am enough in myself.”

He mockingly said, “And you think you did all this on your own, this finding yourself? I didn't help you in your journey? That you can live on your own?”

I have this inherent nature of giving people chances, and so I said, “You are getting it wrong. Finding oneself is always a lone journey.”

“So, I didn't have any contribution to it? You need to understand that we draw energies from each other. We are on the same journey. You may be a bit ahead of me, but I will catch up with you too,” he said with a definite voice.  

One chance is enough, I decided, and said, “That’s great. I am sorry, I have an important client call, will catch you later.”

I hurriedly end the call.

I am completely drained out and exhausted. It is same drama unfolding all over again, and I am now done with it. I am at a critical juncture in my life and don’t want to screw it up anymore. I realize that with some people, you can't argue, they have their own thesis and will live by it. The best thing to do is to leave them to it. Why waste your energy on it? 

I know this will fall apart very soon because unlike earlier times I am not going back to my shell anymore. I will move forward no matter what and if people have issues with it, let them deal with it at their own end. That's not my headache, not anymore. 

As for the question about that someone else, there is no way on earth I can explain it to him. In fact, no one will even understand what is it all about, maybe except for that someone else on that other end, maybe. 

I remembered my conversation with my bestie a few days ago.

I smiled as I recalled she asking me, “It’s been over a decade. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”

“Let’s focus on wrapping the gifts please, we have loads to finish,” I said while looking at the return gifts spread all over the room, totally ignoring the question.

Bestie continued, “Don’t avoid the question. I can’t see you like this. You are still pining for him, while he never looked back at you, even for a moment. I don’t understand you. Don’t you have a shred of respect for yourself.”

“You won’t understand,” I said distractedly.

“Then help me understand,” bestie persisted.

I sighed, but gave in.

“Have you ever met someone who reminds you of home. Someone whose mere presence makes everything peaceful, even if that person is not with you.” I take a pause and contemplate whether to say anything else or not.

Sensing my dilemma, bestie said, “I have seen you struggling with your inner feelings for long. Please don’t stop today. Take it out. Maybe, you will feel fine. Don’t keep dying inside like this.”

I look up as a tear threatens to break my composure. It has been long and maybe, I do need to take it out. “I will try to explain, but I know I will fail miserably, nonetheless, here it is… If I say that the knowing that he exists somewhere in some part of the world, possibly happy, maybe with someone else, makes my life livable, will you understand? That I could feel his happiness, his sadness. That I cheer when he succeeds and say a little prayer when he fails. That I know I cannot be there physically with him, but still feel his presence with me. Will you think I am insane?”

“No, I am not here to judge you today. I want to know how could this happen?” said bestie in a mellowed voice.

“I really don’t know. It’s like a white noise, constantly there. I did block it for a few years, and I seemed happy about it too. I thought maybe now I will finally move on. That resolution just lasted for a couple of years. One fine day, out of nowhere, I felt this sudden urge to know if he was fine or not. Something moved inside me that washed away all the anger, hurt and pain. I just felt an overwhelming sense of love and nothing else. It had been a strange feeling, but a happy one. Somehow, he gave me the indications of his well-being and I felt so alive,” I continued, “And, yes, I was dying inside. Not anymore. Something has changed, don’t know what though. I don't want to demean him by saying I am thankful to him. It is much more than that, he has saved me, yet again.”

“Maybe, this is your reaction to the trauma you had gone through this year,” bestie tried to reason.

"As you said, it's been over a decade. A year's trauma cannot have much of a bearing. Yes, it had been a difficult year, no doubt. But, it also got our entire family together after so long. I couldn’t have thanked universe enough when my sister-in-law finally got into remission. Yes, the stress took a toll on me. My autoimmune disease re-surfaced. It was a battle, but I am recovering. If anything, it got us all together and helped me in mending my core relations too. It was just that, so simple,” I said as the tears rolled down my eyes.

Bestie hugged me. I felt secure in her embrace. I knew now there was no going back, so I let my emotions flow freely.

Wiping my tears, I continued, “I do miss him, a lot. Often, I wish I could turn back time and undo the mistakes, unravel the lies that I had kept telling myself and others, and say yes to my happily ever after.”

“Then again, time is linear. And, I don’t have the Pym Particles or the infinity stones,” I said with a dry grin.

“Stop your geeky references,” bestie rebuked. “You can’t live in the past,” pleaded bestie.

“As I said, you won’t understand. Some people remind you of home, and I am home. I don’t need to go anywhere else,” I said with a finality in my tone, and picked up Misha, my bestie’s daughter, as she ran towards me.

Looking concerned, bestie asked, "What will you do if he comes back? Won't the baggage of the past hurt you?"

I smiled and said, "There is no baggage, there is no past, nothing matters. Just as he is my home, I guess, I am his home too. And you don't need permission to enter into your own house, do you?"

"And what if he never comes back? What will you do then?" bestie tried to reason with me.

"I won't lie, it will hurt, still does. His being there somewhere would be enough, I guess. It had been enough for the last decade, I will live through the next two as well. Only regret, wish I could have told him why I couldn’t be with him when he wanted me to be there for him. I wish I could have told him that I was a fool not to trust him. I should have told him the truth. He would have never judged me. Instead, he would have stood beside me like a pillar to lean on, so that I could have escaped my situation,” I said as sadness enveloped me again.

“I am sorry dear. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just never understood that why despite loving him so much, you never told him so, and remained stuck in an unwarranted relationship for years?” quizzed bestie, as she stroked my hair.

“Often there are some karmic debts you need to pay off. We keep doing that knowingly or unknowingly. A bad relationship could also be a way of paying off your debt that you may have accumulated. Both of us paid that debt, he got out of his, but in my case, it just lingered on. I wanted out, and despite knowing everything, Rohan didn’t let me go. The drama was too much to handle and I kept succumbing to it, even when he cheated on me. You know the first time I broke up with him, he slapped me so hard that it left marks on my cheek for days, my jaws pained and I had painful headaches for months. But somehow everything was my fault. He never let me forget my transgression. I never told you that. You just had Misha, I didn’t want to burden you with my issues. Slowly, I became a pale former self of mine. There was no zest to live. At times, I used to drag myself out of the bed too,” I shuddered as I remembered my bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts. I decided not to disclose them to her. I was already unloading a lot on to her. 

I continued, “I had given up and would have continued doing so, if it wasn’t for that sudden itch to know if he was alright or not. That day, everything changed. It felt as if someone was calling me by my name and asking me to get up and live for myself. It has been a year now, and I am loving this new me. I am doing everything that I always wanted to do. I have become bold, taking risks. I am doing what I should have done 10 years ago. Nonetheless, I have started, so what if it’s a bit late. It doesn’t matter. I feel so alive, so much in love,” I poured my heart out.

“And Rohan?” asked bestie.

“He doesn’t understand, he never will. I have left him long ago, he is not letting me go. He can sense that I am not with him, but he doesn’t want to set me free. At times, he asks me who is it that I think of and that if I give him the name, he will let me go. Just that, I know better. I tried to leave him several times, and each time, the mental trauma that I have gone through took an immense toll on my body and mental health. With no support system, and the strangeness of the relationship, I couldn’t do it alone. I was always dragged back. Reason why, a couple of years ago, I moved back home. I feel protected now, stronger. I am healing, and I am moving forward. As for Rohan, it is for him to come to terms with the reality. I never hid anything from him. It doesn't matter to me anymore, point is, it should have never mattered, now I understand that,” I said hugging her.

“Why the hell you never told me all this? You call me your bestie and you didn’t share a word with me? Why?” asked bestie, hurt.

“You were not in India, you were far off. You had a young family. You had your own struggles. I couldn’t have burdened you. Besides the shame and guilt, I didn't want to sound like a victim. I didn't want any sympathy either. I was aware that I was very much a part of what was happening to me. I didn't know where to turn to for help and even if I knew, I didn't know how to ask for help. I feel ashamed bestie. I am a strong, independent and educated woman, and look at me!

I have always been good at hiding my hurt and pain. Have been doing it since my childhood. Not anymore. I am laughing, crying and expressing every other emotion just the way I want to. I am no more in hiding. I have found myself and I am not letting me go, not anymore.

I am healing and interestingly, even have forgiven Rohan too, though I never received the apology that I deserved. You know, I have also forgiven my mother. It's futile to carry such baggage, it doesn't help at all. Sometimes, your own peace of mind is more important than your hurt or ego," I finished and felt strangely relieved.

Bestie hugged me tight. I cried my heart out. I cried after years like that, yet it strangely felt good. I have finally spelled out what I had kept inside myself for so many years. There is just one more thing that was left to share. I decided to state that out loud too.

"In my journey, if at any interaction I find him too, waiting and willing to walk with me again, I will not hesitate to hold his hand this time. I know it’s a wishful thinking, but what’s life without a bit of a dream?” I said with a smile on my face.

“I pray you get everything that you wish for darling, go for it,” said bestie lovingly.

I smiled as I remembered his advice, “Don’t think too much. Nike, just do it!”

Yes, I am finally heeding his advice. I am doing what I always wanted to do.

Life is good.