Curve ball

Life threw another curve ball. Sis-in-law relapsed. Gotten her admitted today. We are preparing for another battle. More chemo sessions and then stem cell transplant. 

And at my end, waging personal battles. It's 'amazing' to see human behaviour, everyone watching from sidelines, including the nearest of the nears. Who am I to judge? Maybe, they are right in their own way. I don't know. And why should it surprise me? Didn't I know how these people had always been? Self-centred to the core. No one fucking cares and maybe, that's how it is, isn't it?

I will burst if I don't take this out. Why the fuck I never had a mother who could be a role model or maybe at least show some human values? Why, just, why? 

I am tired of finding a middle path to get people together, even in adversities, ego is at the supreme. No one fucking wants to compromise. Everyone wants their own comfort zone. You know what, fuck you all. 

Yes, I am angry. Angry at everything. We didn't expect this to happen. She was fine. This is just not done. And then the diagnosis. Contrary reports. It's just so damn confusing. Her initial report said, she has Mixed Phenotype Acute Leukemia (T+ Myeloid), a very rare form of leukemia, which no one fucking knows how to treat. Since yesterday morning we were completely haywire. Somehow, someone from the panel of doctors suggested to get a second opinion and test done in another hospital. Today in the evening, doc said it's a relapse but of AML itself. Matlab, pagal bana rahe ho. Then pathlabs called, saying we forgot to report blast cells in the last report. Are you fucking serious? I mean, what the hell is happening. I had been telling my brother that the diagnosis the first report gave isn't an easy one and were they really sure that they have the ability to know it is the same one. And today when that doctor confirmed that their report was wrong, I didn't know how to react. Yes, medical science is also evolving, but these are tests they are doing for donkey number of years. What is fucking wrong? Post raising a hue and cry, they are now sending the sample for third opinion in AIIMS.

So yes, I am fucking angry. And that's not a good thing. I don't get angry easily. My threshold for anger is very high, so much so, I get angry maybe once in a year or so. Problem is, when I do, I don't see who is there in front of me. I blast them. And then they relent and do what I tell them. I hate it to the core. But at times that's the only way out. Fuck middle path, tomorrow it will be firing squad at home. 

Another issue, it takes me time to calm down, at least 3-4 days. I get so short-fused during this time that the only thing to do with me is to leave me alone. I calm down on my own. 

I hate this. I just am so angry, disappointed and heartbroken at the same time. And yet, I know I need to be brave enough to show up and be there for my brother and sis-in-law. People are telling me to look at my own interest. I get them, maybe they are concerned for me. But someone needs to be brave enough to stand besides people in need. Cowards ki fauj mein nahi samil hona mujhe. 

Maybe today I am not coherent. Maybe tomorrow I will be. 

Just wishing love and light for her, and may she come out of this as a winner. That's all. That's what matters.

Tired. Exhausted. Will still keep going, that's the power of love.