Musing or withdrawal?

Pujo came to an end. It was lovely. As the last couple of years were tough for all of us, we didn't really celebrate pujo, but this year, we had some reason to smile. Sis-in-law is doing better (touch wood), though her healing will take some time, but she is okay. 

So, I had a blast. I enjoyed each moment, each day, from pandal hopping, sandhya aarati, bhog, dhak, dhunuchi dance to cultural programs, I soaked it all in. And of course, I dressed to kill. That's some major incentive to get up each day, and the appreciative looks were a bonus.😄

Point is, pujo is over, but the chaos will be on-going - Dussehra, Diwali, Kali Pujo - I mean, I just love this overtly chaotic, colorful and festive India. It just feels right, it's home.💓

So, what am I doing writing a blog at the middle of the night? Well, with all that celebrations - including my birthday's - which was surprisingly a great one this time around. I mean dad got me a cake after years, mom and bro gave me money, and  everyone who mattered and who remembered wished me. Everything had been great, but somehow, nothing really mattered. I mean, all this bonhomie just doesn't do anything anymore. Yes, I know they are trying to mend things, including ex, but, it just seems so futile. I don't feel it. Though I am genuinely happy, I enjoy those moments, but that happiness comes from my being happy with myself. 

It is tough to explain, but it is like that I do not need their validation any more, that love that I always searched in each one of them, the pain that I had gone through trying to deal with my abandonment issues, they are all gone. I don't have any expectation from any of them, nothing, and now, when they do things without even I expecting them to, it doesn't matter. That doesn't mean I would stop doing my duty for them or not care for them. I will stand by each one of them as per my capability, but I am not getting emotionally entangled with any of them anymore. Now, that's either a coping mechanism or I have actually become Buddha!

But this non-attachment is good. This seeing the truth is good. This being myself is good. This what I have right now is good. In fact, it's amazing. It's mine because no one controls how I feel. On top, there isn't any expectation. This, right here that I have, is my little sanctuary of peace. It just makes me who I am and keeps chiseling me to make me a better person each day. 

It is not easy to live like this. It is bloody lonely out here, because no one can comprehend what all this means. Yet, it is so damn peaceful and calm. 

How contradictory life could be. 

In all this, only one thing makes sense, and that's love and that should be enough!