I will be fine.

I am scared. Next week, sis-in-law will be getting admitted for her stem cell transplant. We may not see her physically for the next couple of months, to ensure she is protected against any infection. We will be meeting her tomorrow, she is insisting on it. I know she must be scared too. It's heartbreaking. I wish I could do anything, anything to help her out, but then, there isn't a thing that I can do, except for praying for her long and healthy life, and of course, keeping her spirits up. 

I am scared and don't have the heart to ask, the inevitable - what if? It's scary and I just don't know how to express this and to whom. No matter what, I need to put on a brave face for everyone. I know how everyone can just crumble. I have been assuring my parents and my niece too, because that's what I can do. And, I can't assure them with a broken spirit. I hide my tears from them. I don't think I have even cried in front of anyone since the time we got to know. 

I am strong, resilient, an ever optimist, often too much. I handle crisis well. Which also means I don't get an outlet to off-load. For everyone at home, I am the strong one, who could figure out everything, someone they could rely on. Even those who love me know I can handle things on my own, and are always encouraging me, but even they fall short in determining the underlying person in me.

Last time when I was in the hospital with my sis-in-law, giving a break to my brother from hospital duties, I had called him to give some update at night. To which he said, "I know you are there and you will take care of everything. I don't need to worry." He knows I have his back and that must be comforting for him. For me, that is the least I could do. 

Problem is, once I am alone at home, away from this din, the emotions rush in. I have always held them back inside myself, which didn't do any good to me. Now, I won't. I will express them in the exact terms as I feel them, if not to anyone, then at least here. Words truly are my salvation.

For now, I need to prepare a face for tomorrow as I show-up for my brave star. So, I will allow myself to be vulnerable today and break down. Tomorrow, just like Prufrock, I will "prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet."

I will be fine. I know, I will be.