Who am I?

I have been restless for the last few days, trying to understand what is that itch inside that is eating me up. It feels, as if I am so close to what I want in life, yet there is a blockage. As if I need to turn another page - the second last - to finally reach the last page, and yet I am stuck at that second last page. 

So, in the morning, sat quietly in a corner to introspect. This was long due, this conversation with myself. I was scared of doing that, because somehow I knew what I will tell myself and I wasn't ready to hear it out loud. I kept distracting myself and kind of put myself on auto-mode. Doesn't work, especially when you are already too far on your path. As much as you want to turn back or tune it out, it just doesn't work. Your intrinsic self will rear it's head and tell you to move it, face it.

Thus, here are the key takeaways.

I am stressed out. I am taking too much on my head, for everyone. And it's not about taking a break - which I definitely should - but it's also about stop taking so much stress. I cannot control what is uncontrollable. All I can control is my reaction to situations. And sometimes, not be a part of such situations as well. I cannot let myself to burnout so much. Also, at times, I feel people are taking advantage of me, and I like an idiot let them, especially ex. In the garb of work and friendship, I get dragged into too many things, which I don't need to and that is exhausting me as well. I have to stop taking bullets for everyone. Let them face their own battles. Does that make me selfish or self-centred? I guess, to some degree, but I do need to draw the boundaries, for my own sake.

I am living someone else's dream. Frankly, I really didn't want to do the work that I am doing currently. There is too much of focus on materialistic gains, and often at any cost. I do like the thrill of the work that I am doing, the different challenges and problem solving, but am tired of putting my foot down at every instance of something that is not in line with my value system. Yes, the money is good and I have been able to keep everything clean till now, but I know it's just a matter of time till things will fall wayward and I need to get out before that happens. This is not my dream, never had been. It was my stupid desire of helping someone else to get what they wanted, even at my own cost. So, what should I do? Another long-term strategy to get out of it slowly and steadily. Money definitely is a factor, I still have some debts to pay and I also need to look at that everyone associated should be in a stable position before I cut the cord, I have that responsibility. I am setting a deadline for myself. This is not my world and I will withdraw from it.

I am on my way towards finding my purpose. I have always thought that there really isn't any purpose to life, but is that really true? Maybe we are defining purpose in human terms that is leading to dissatisfaction. Purpose should not be something that makes you superior from others or to show that you are so selfless and giving. I guess purpose is who you are and what you do. As Ramana Maharshi had said, "Your own Self-Realization is the greatest service you can render the world." Somewhere inside myself, I know what it is, I know who I am, I just need to believe in her, love her, nurture her. 

And in this quest, there are a few things I will definitely start doing:

• Stop overthinking
• Start living more passionately
• Reassess life choices regularly
• Start nurturing myself
• Take risks, not the calculated ones, be somewhat impulsive
• Step back whenever required
• Love truly and be myself 

It wasn't that tough, was it? I just had to stop lying to myself and tell myself the truth that I didn't want to hear.

I know I am going to fail in this journey several times as well, but that's what makes me human.

Life indeed is a gift 🙂❤️.