Dichotomy

Even before I go all "Shields Up", here's something I need to get out of my system for sure. 

This dichotomy of having regret and then being filled with this warm fuzzy feeling of love.

As much as I am moving past regret, making my peace with it and trying to remain positive and happy, it is often not all fine in the paradise. At times, it gets hard, especially when I look at the possibility of what it could have been reflected in others. The choices I made or did not make have led me here. Not that I am not loving the person I have become, but I do feel, I could have been better than this, and achieved a lot more, if I just had the right perseverance and bold enough to get out there and do it, without thinking through so much. 

Point with regret is, it doesn't just stop at the "What Ifs", it gets into the rabbit hole of "What Had Been" - the entire being nostalgic and reminiscing about the past just make everything much more worse. 

And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I become happy, while I navigate through all this. The realization that I am in love, the kind that no one can even perceive. It fills my soul with such peaceful energy. It brightens my even darkest night. And, it's not like a streak of light. Instead, it is like a sun burning bright, right over my head. It makes everything alright, bright, fresh, beautiful, peaceful. It is like a beautiful melody that I can hear anytime, anywhere. I just feel it. I don't need to even close my eyes these days. I can feel it within and around me. This feeling is there 24/7 and doesn't leave me for even a moment. Sometimes, the day-to-day worries or this occasional regret blocks it out, then again, the next moment, I am back in this warm pool, where there are no expectations, no measuring of happiness as per societal dictum, where love is not measured by what I have been perceiving so far. It just sets me free, and yet, there is this string that attaches me to my core, nourishing me with life giving energy. 

It is difficult to explain in words. One got to see me to understand. The other day, a colleague asked when she met me, "Who is it? You look so radiant these days, what's the secret or rather, who is the secret?" And, trust me, even with a Masters in English Literature in my bag, I cannot explain that in a cohesive manner. So, I remain quiet and let them think whatever they want to, because the explanation is too absurd and crazy to perceive. 

If anything, the only explanation I give myself is that it is not for the senses. It is for the spirit. It goes beyond the physical, the fixed, the 3D. It is ethereal, fluid and beyond our perception. Maybe, this is what they term as spiritual, but somehow that also doesn't define it. So, instead of defining it, I am happy to be lucky enough to feel it, despite all the pain that it brings along with it. Yes, dear, that's the dichotomy I am living, and somehow, loving it too! 

Time to get back to work, and maybe, keep the "Shields Down" for now, at least 😀.