Raw

What is it that I want to tell myself today? Essentially, I am vulnerable right now, because, well, the loss did leave me emotional 😭. 

But, it is also precisely at this point, I realise that how good I am at suppressing my emotions. If I am disappointed or sad, I usually show that emotion only to myself. No one really gets it. You know, I never had a conversation where people in my immediate surrounding have ever asked me why am I sad. Thankfully, have a couple of friends who get me, and ask me what's wrong just by hearing my voice. I treasure them. As they say, when a door closes, a window opens. 

This, however, often leads to me trusting people I shouldn't be. I was talking to a dear friend in the evening and told her, "The biggest harm that I had done to myself is trusting people I shouldn't have, and more than that trusting their advices. It took me a long time and costing a lot to realise that you should only listen to people who are stable in their own life, independent in their outlook and are mature enough to look at things objectively." I trusted the wrong sort and paid dearly. Of course, my own impulsive nature contributed to an early fall too. 

Another thing I realised, these people only said things that I wanted to hear. And that's not at all the best sort of people. My ego made me believe that I was right, that this is how it should be and how things are. I was seeing what I wanted to and my 'friends' agreed with me wholeheartedly, despite I guess 'knowing' that I was wrong. They let me fall. I remember a particular conversation with J, when heartbroken I spoke to her and she said, "I knew you wouldn't stop till you followed through what you wanted to do, and I thought you will only know once you go through it. Plus I didn't want to influence you to make a decision!" Come on, are you kidding me? You see your best friend getting into a ditch and you don't tell her not to step into it. If I were in her place, I would have placed myself in front of her, and I would have not only not let her fall but would have ensured that she takes the right path. And, that's what I have done on numerous occasions. That's what friends are for, right?

Well, what can be said. I have been a fool and that is undeniable. Plus, the world doesn't have much people who actually speak their minds - only a handful. I have lost some, but the ones I have now, I treasure them with life. 

I often wonder what these select few will tell me if I ever tell them my entire life story. Then again, I have always been betrayed by everyone whom I had told my deepest secrets. It's like my pain and sorrow were not respected by them, and they just carelessly threw them around by sharing my story with others and worse, used my vulnerability to get their work done. 

So, as tempting as it sounds to share, talk or take some life advice from these select few as well, I somehow, cannot break this wall that I have built around myself. I am done with letting people in my life. I am learning to be self-reliant. It's not easy at all, and it is damn lonely too. That's why, this here is my refuge. I say what I want to, because if this remains within me, the stress will come out in some way or another. And I just need to be me, and love myself, and never let this little spirit of hoping that things will one day be fine ever die. 

I know I will make more mistakes in life, but I guess, now I will make them because of me, my decisions, without any outside influence. That sounds depressing, but at least I won't be befooled by anyone. 

Sometimes, walls are good...