This happened

Just after posting my last post here, I went to the loo and what I saw was a nightmare come true. I saw a something red slithering in the toilet bowl. At that fear-striken moment I had the worst response. Get rid of it and so I just flushed it down. Don't know whether it was a snake or a worm, but given the size of it and the search I did later, it seemed like a brahminy blind snake. Poor creature. I could have been more compassionate. Before flushing it down, I did hesitate for a moment, thinking of another way out, but then it's slithering action just creeped me out, and I just acted automatically. 

And now I feeling terrible about it, not to mention completely spooked out going into the loo each time. It's a mixture of fear and then this deep-seated guilt 😔. 

The knowledge that I could have been a better person, that I had the power to be one, the choice to be one, and yet I gave in to my base instincts, makes me such a coward, a hypocrite. I can't see any justification for my act. 

And to think that it happened, something so improbable, on Mahashivratri eve, makes everything all the more tricky. It showed me the mirror. I still need a lot of work to be done. I am not yet ready for lots of things. I have to know how to get over my fear. To be fearless in the face of everything and think rationally, without being a base human being. I have a long way to go. 

I am sorry for what happened and I hope I find my peace with it somewhere. For now, I have failed.