Seeking clarity

I have a few disjointed thoughts that I have been struggling with for the last few days. Maybe, writing them down here will give me the clarity that I seek or maybe, it will finally help me accept what I know I need to.

Sis-in-law relapsed yet again. This time, we are finally getting some clarity around her relapses. It is some kind of genetic default, problem is none of the labs in India are equipped enough to identify it. So, it's back to protocols and rounds of chemo. Point is, unless we get to the exact issue, this will be a cycle we will end up with every year. And with that, some sort of fatigue is also setting in or should I say, a matter-of-fact logical way of life. Guess, that's what too much of trouble does to you. You start seeing it as is. 

However, in my case, there is something else that is bothering me. Of course, the last few weeks were not easy, and temper were high at every end too. There has been frustration and anger, and not too kind words were also exchanged between the chief two people in this situation. While I try to look at everything in an unbiased manner, this time around, I got dragged into the middle of it. It felt just like my childhood, being dragged in between two fighting parties and I am being the mature one. It is exhausting, and I really don't want another cycle for myself. Wow! This gave me clarity, why I was feeling so claustrophobic for so long. It was exactly what I had endured as a child, and I am done with that. Yes, there is a disease to fight, but that cannot be an excuse for bad behavior and certainly not for me to get entangled like this. The saying - Not my circus, not my monkeys - makes sense. I have enough monkeying at my own end!

However, there is a monkey that I am being made responsible now - the by-product of the two above chiefs. I love this monkey tooooo much, and have no issues with taking care of her. What I cannot handle is the petty politics. It is so damn blatant. I cannot go down that level, that is just not me. And, that's where people are taking advantage of. They are doing everything possible to get a reaction out of me, and I am not giving a damn and that's where my issue is. If I lose it someday, it won't be good, and I don't want to do it at all. So, what's the answer, now I know. Be you, do you. You don't need to get even a bit perturbed about what they are saying or doing. You be who you are, kind and compassionate, and hey, keep an arms length distance from all these characters, they are not worth even your thoughts!

With regards to the monkey, who is very happy with me, I am scared about myself. I have never taken such a responsibility full-fledged. I am not sure if I am ready to do so right now too. I have a demanding work, which is going to be my next pointer. Interesting, how it were my personal issues that gained prominence today over my professional ones! I have ageing parents too. I am feeling as if there is this dump of things that have been put on me, not that I don't want to do it or I cannot, just that the entire situation is making me feel uncomfortable. Where is the shared responsibility? Is it just my job to do all these things? And, I have always seen when the things get better, everyone just gets into their own happy world, conveniently abandoning me. When I need them the most, especially when I get sick, at times bed-ridden, no one is around, not even a single person. Question is, when I know of their blatant selfishness, why do I still keep doing all this? Why can't I become selfish as well, and just walk away, why? 

I know why, because, I am not built that ways. I am an idiotic, stupid person, who is not built to just think of herself. God knows how many more trouble will this get me into. I don't know what will happen next, but I know that I will keep doing everything out of love. I love this little monkey too much, who eventually will also break my heart, but then again that doesn't stop me from loving her, does it? Guess, the answer to this dilemma is, do things with love, but don't love blindly. Be logical as well. And, do not try to get in between or try to control the situation. Be there for the little monkey, but always remember you are not her creator!

Work. This one is going well. You know, I had been intending about something I never did before, because somehow I wasn't comfortable with it - the question of money. However, I knew my karmic debts will not dissolve and I will not be able to tear the contract unless I resolve this conundrum. I had to make myself think of and want money, and as I did that, newer opportunities started emerging. I also know what kind of dark pit this is, and no one can ever just dip their feet into it and fill a few buckets and leave. Once you are in it, you are just there for the rest of your life. I know that, and I see that. For now, I cannot do anything about it, but I do need a trigger, something that will tell me to get out or a safety harness that will take me out at the opportune moment. I am yet to figure this out, maybe, the path to that lies in spirituality, which is where I am drawn towards. Anyway, thing is, I have a deadline, three years. I hit 48, I am out. But, something tells me, it will be much more before that, given the acceleration. Feels as if the Universe is finally conspiring to just put me out there and pull me out and throw me towards the path that I am supposed to be on. There you go, it is the will of the Universe, and I am just going with it. Why be worried when you are being taken care of!

I want to write about the other journey too, but am too tired and drowsy, having taken a cetirizine for the usual, cold and cough, yikees! Plus, that will take more space and more thoughts and lots and lots and lots of love. 💗

Hope Holi was fun. Live and laugh a lot. At times, when I am sad, I remember your smile, it is just so innocent and pure, almost childlike. Keep smiling, always, it makes a difference! 😊