Thank You!

I am proud of myself. For the first time ever I fought for my happiness and I am not feeling guilty about it. I don't feel as if I am a horrible person or that I don't deserve this or all that bullshit I used to gather inside my head. 

Yes the drama has started, but I have never been this dispassionate and detached ever. I don't know where I am getting this strength from, but this time I am staring at the facts as is. Those masks are not working, neither are those nonsense.

I will be labelled and judged, but who cares. Let it be. I am no longer killing myself for others, especially those who don't deserve me. They never did, I was an idiot not to realise it earlier. 

There had been no excuses, no alibi. I did this for myself, for no one, but myself. I could love myself enough to walk out of it. And this story will remind me forever that I have done it and I am unstoppable. If I ever have doubts, I will read and re-read this. This is my reminder to love myself and be happy for myself, forever.

Need to thank my Man Friday too.

From an editor's viewpoint, this seems like more of a rant, bit abstract. I would have to structure it, at least give it some loose framework. More context, more sarcasm. Wow! I berated myself and it oddly felt nice! I deserve it for being the idiot that I had been. 

What do I plan to do next? Give myself some breather for sure. Sit quietly and remain calm for some time. Then I do have a laundry list, let me spell it out, that ways I will be obliged to do it. It just won't be talks you see.

1. Finish this book. I hope it gets published. Should start researching on that too.

2. Continue my focus on health. I can't afford another flare-up. Will continue to watch myself. Have to reduce all the fats that I have accumulated due to steroids. I am loving my daily walks. I love walking in any case. These days due to bitter cold I am walking inside my house. I try finish my daily steps quota, no more excuses.

3. Learn healing. Usha aunty was right. I could become a compassionate healer. I have natural abilities, need to know the techniques now. A core friend of mine have been after me for a long time to get into healing. I finally said yes to her today. I will start the formal learning soon.

4. Visit CORD and volunteer. That seems like a second home. I am always welcome there. Kshama di had taught me so much. Will go there post winters. Made a plan already with the same friend for a March trip. 

5. Travel. I love traveling in any case, but this time want to travel outside the country. Sis has been asking me to come to Australia for long, time to finally visit her.

6. Not let work suffer. I love to strategize. I love my work. Yes, work will be complicated now, but I have always been professional when it is about my work. I never had a single client complaint so far and I mean to continue that. I took a huge responsibility by convincing and bringing a US-based company to set up their shop in India and I am not going to let the fuck-ups of my personal life ruin anything. This wasn't easy for me to do, I am the only one in the team who could achieve the P&L this year. I am a fucking genius, well, self-praise. Money won't be an issue for sure. Another quarter and every other personal account will be settled. I will finally get my gold out too. Seriously, what did I do to myself.

7. Love again or should I? I was talking to my Man Friday. He is going through a tough time too. Not easy to break your almost two decades old relationship, especially when you have a kid together. Told him if he was ready I could set him up on a date with a friend. He said, so just after saving yourself from an on-coming truck on a highway, you want me to stand on the same place to be hit again. I laughed it off at that time but yes, for people like us, it is scary. Trusting someone again and letting someone in your life all over again is tough. But does that mean I shut the door for fear of being making a mistake again? 

Point is, I love to be in love. No matter how rational I could be, I am still a SRK girl. I still want to be sweeped off my feet with a silly nothing romance. Crazy right?

Non-diplomatic, non-Libran answer, Yes, I will not close my doors to love. But definitely it won't be a car wreck now, for sure.

8. Mend a few things. I sincerely want to mend a few things that have been eating me up for a while now. I can't live with myself without amending those mistakes. I sabotaged, drywalled and abandoned so many people because I had to, was asked to. I need to mend that. Some may understand, some won't care. That is life, isn't it? You can't get things to go as per your wishes. You can't control what the other person will do. You have no idea about their lives, their struggles.  Maybe, slowly and steadily I will gain them back, or maybe, not, don't know, but I do need to reach out. No matter what I was made to do, it was my fault that I failed these people. And I have to mend it.

Will keep adding on to this, but guess for now it's more than enough.

Exhausted and yet happy 🙂.