Update and no update

I have been trying to write stories for the past one week and failing miserably. First had insane amount of work, travel, meetings and calls, and then since the last two days, this stupid sinking feeling of being overwhelmingly sad. I tried to rein it in yesterday, but couldn’t help not giving in to my emotions today.

You know, realized that sadness like happiness should also be expressed. Why hide it? Why keep it inside? Not every day is the same. Some days are gut-crunchingly painful and scary. These are the days when I need to remind myself that it is okay to feel what I am feeling at that time. It is okay to have emotional break-down. It is okay to say “I am not okay.”

As easy as this sounds, it is not easy to do it. Why? Because, we are conditioned to always be resilient, strong and keep fighting, no matter the circumstances. We are not allowed to have meltdowns. Have you ever seen how a child during his worst meltdowns is asked to become quiet, to rein in his emotions, because, evidently showing them makes you weak.

What about keeping them inside? Won’t that become a seething volcanic lava and the day it would erupt, it not only will burn the mountain, but also everything along its way.

Why wait for the eruption?

Reason why, when I realized that I was sad, I didn’t wait. I let the sadness flow out of my system.

I had to express my sadness just the way I express my happiness. If I truly want to live in the moment and actually be a part of it, then I need to accept both – happiness and sadness.

And, if it still becomes a struggle, listening to your go-to-sad song on repeat helps. Ask me, I have my go-to from Tamasha playing in loop since morning!

Yes, some days are insanely painful. But then there are good days too. And if not, then there are always great memories to fall back on.

No matter what life is dishing out, the important thing is to keep accepting it as is.

And maybe tomorrow I will finally write another story. I would love to, because words truly are my salvation.

I am looking forward to finishing my book, and yes, I will have these spurts of outbursts which I will share too as I go along. This journey is as important as my final destination, right?

PS (A morning after update):

Digressing from the topic, but I do want to write this in some book or story some day, though I might get trolled badly as it is tough to express this in words - everything is just toxic masculinity these days.

"What I love about him the most is his innate honesty to show me the mirror of my own hypocrisy. There is no sugar-coating. No explanation. He just knows when I am full of shit and simply tells me that, calling in all my bluffs. 

Most people think that's being rude. It used to hurt my ego too, but now, I simply smile. It's nice to get that reality check, however obnoxious the person on the other end is. 

Point is, I don't want him to change even a bit. I want him to be obnoxious, impossible to live with, driven by his stupid moral fibre, unapologetically wearing his heart onto his sleeves, at times making terrible mistakes just because he thought he was right and sulk endlessly after that not knowing how to set it right, getting into guilt trips after guilt trips, overthinking everything that he thinks needs to be overthought, being gullible whenever someone shines as a new ideal, a total lazy ass and a procrastinator of the first order. 

Yet I don't want him to change. Why? Because, these are what also makes him utterly kind, unfailingly loyal and trusting, a rock solid support, a beautiful human who believes humans could have redemption - no biases, sensitive, thoughtful, observant and above all loving, someone who will do anything for the people he loves, there are no judgement for those select few, they can do whatever they want to, his love won't change for them, ever. He loves them fiercely and protects them like a lion protects his pride. And yes, I have felt that warmth once and still do. And once you do, nothing else will ever suffice. So, yes, I don't want to him to change, even a bit. I love that entire package - pros and cons included!"