Completeness

Yesterday's rant got me thinking. This is the first time ever that I am actually processing the break-up well. In the past, I was too scared or insecure or afraid to be alone that I kept running back or falling into the same trap. This time, it just doesn't matter. Writing helps in understanding myself better, so here are the key findings 😎

The feeling of wow! It feels incredible to be finally free. No longer the daily treatise of toxicity and the immense pressure of giving and giving and giving. Plus the zero need to lie, to anyone. I feel so damn light, from within and without ki lagta hai apun hi bhagwan hai! 

The realisation that I could live alone. Yes, I am not a person who can live alone but I am also a person who can. Contrary, right. Let me explain. Realised if I am surrounded by people who love and care for me, who are there in my vicinity, who are available to hear me out, I don't think I need to worry too much. Why the need to stress on one single person and try to find your happiness in a person. I am loving my space, alone, yet surrounded by love. 

Moving on? My closest friends worry about me. They feel I am cloistering myself, boxing myself. That I should start dating, just being out of my zone. Based on whatever I have shared about myself with them, they ask me to move on. They don’t understand and I can’t explain, because they have never felt what I have. I wonder if anyone has really felt something like this or not. I have always used the allegory of home, but one may argue that there could be multiple homes, so how do you know that this is it? To answer simply, if you feel immense satisfaction being in this home, no matter how small or big it is, without the desire or want for more, you know you are at the right place. And I am satisfied like a pig in the gutter, my gutter. Yes, bad allegory but drives the generic idea. I don’t want to move my ass anywhere. 

One may ask why? What’s the harm? Not that you don’t have the supply chain. Point is, I know I will be disappointed. It may work out well in the beginning, the initial attraction and all, but it will die because I will never feel the same passion. It just won’t be the same. The benchmark is too high to be breached. I will become withdrawn and that won’t do justice to the other person. Why waste someone else’s time and life, when I know it just won’t be worthwhile. How do I know that? Because I had done this before too. No one comes even 10 per cent close to make any dent. So, there is no point doing this anymore. No one can take this feeling of completeness and I don’t need any external validation for this. And no, I am not keeping my life on hold for anyone, even for my home.

Life is magical and yet highly unpredictable. One just doesn’t know what will happen the next moment. I may make as many plans as I want, life will have its own tangent and will dangle me as per its wishes. Does that mean I stop making my plans, stop dreaming, stop striving for what I want in life? That will be a mistake, because as much as it is unpredictable, it is magical in equal measure. If I don’t have this life, how will I ever feel so much loved?

I love my journey. I am in love with the person that I have become and the person that I am slowly and steadily becoming. I just damn love her a lot. This journey is amazing and no matter what tomorrow will bring, I know I will keep walking, keep striving, keep making myself a better human being, and yes, keep loving. There isn't anything else to life other than that, is there?