Unconditional

You know there is this self-sabotaging behaviour that I often struggle with. I learnt that I have this inherent idea that I am not good enough or not worthy enough to get something good in life. It's this stupid notion of always struggling to get things that makes me attract all sorts of issues in my life.

I mean I kind of like toxicity. Yikees. 

There could be lots of reasons for that - chief being the issue of abandonment, but the point is, the need to address this, seriously. 

As I started dealing with abandonment, I became more independent, releasing co-dependent behaviour, and I think the next logical step is to become more assertive, confident and fearless. 

I need to tell myself that I deserve all the happiness in the world and instead of feeling guilty or non-entitled, I should bloody as well start enjoying the fruits of my hardwork and dedication. I never give credit to myself. I almost feel apologetic for being intelligent and smart. In fact, I don't even know how to respond to compliments, simply because I believe I don't deserve them! What an idiot. How could my self-esteem be so low, despite being an overachiever? I never get the validation that I seek from home, no appreciation, whatsoever. But then again, does that really matter anymore. Why can't I just do it for myself. I am talented and I just need to own it. 

It's simple isn't it. If I am the one with meets expectations, then I might as well enjoy that success, rather than feeling sorry for the ones who didn't get the same rating in their appraisals. That was a valuable lesson. It took me 17 years to learn it! 🤦

What next? Learning to love unconditionally.

Somehow this song is on repeat.